TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town historically noted for historical lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be incredible. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the most effective. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and completely away from place. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable drinking water. But Indeed, sure, let us have A further place wherever American Males can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: give everyone a suite to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly soft power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It really is that he should really prevent making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the task, replied, "You already know, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head obvious from Room, a element becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after finding the building's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It can be not only unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Baffling Functions


Perhaps the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where attendees could ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what Trump Tower Damascus for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "where by's the closest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is by now attracting focus from international traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount may even consist of:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to discover a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel the place my PTSD can have transform-down provider."


A different publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It required a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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